Author Archives: Jessie

About Jessie

Annotate everything.

It’s not a ‘to do’ list, it’s a ‘what I’ve done’ list

I’ve only been out of school for.. *counts on fingers* 6, 6 days now. Yet here I am with sunburn on both arms which will surely lead to an overall, uneven tan. On the bright and very hot side (89 degrees Fahrenheit), my summer has already started out more fulfilling than my previous ones! Each year I write a summer bucket list, but they generally consist of pretty ambitious tasks which rarely get completed, leaving me feeling unaccomplished. So I decided to change that.

This summer I started a list of simple tasks that I could for sure accomplish in a few months, and I’m already crossing things off! Some goals include:

  1. Get a manicure   2. Listen to The Rolling Stones   3. Go fishing   4. Watch a sunrise 5.Do yoga outside   6. Learn a new song on piano

I figured that by doing this I’ll feel like I made the most out of my summer! On a larger scale, I’ll continue to learn French, travel in Ireland and pack for college in the fall!

I hope you all have many little things to look forward to this season ❤

-Jessie

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FRIENDSHIP

In my first two years of college I have learned more about friendship than I had from preschool to high school graduation. I didn’t give the subject much thought before, friends were just people you enjoyed being around and told your secrets to. It wasn’t until I seriously started to grow up that I began to analyze how my companions could be impacting my life, both in wonderful and sometimes horrible ways.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Something my mom always told me was, “If they’ll gossip to you, they’ll gossip about you.” I always kept it in mind, and the thought grew with me. Even though I was fairly certain (like 99.9% positive) that certain friends would never talk smack about me, I simply didn’t like the ways they would talk about others. I cringe every time someone is called ugly, since childhood it’s just something I never could stomach. I learned that I didn’t want friends who were okay with putting others down, even if they never would put me down. I want to be friends with people who compliment strangers, and talk about how lovely they think our mutual friends are.

I learned that sometimes your friend will have one little habit, one minor quality about them that just irritates you to no end. Maybe they copy the way you dress or they interrupt you multiple times in one conversation. Maybe they act like they love a band more than you do (even thought you’re clearly their biggest fan to ever grace the earth). Sometimes it might even make you really mad at them, but if that one insignificant little pesky quirk about them is seriously the biggest issue in your relationship, that’s pretty darn lucky.

I learned that I should never ever sacrifice my personal growth for someone who refuses to grow. It’s like a race, not a competition, but just something we all run together. You’re doing just fine on the second lap, but your friend keeps slowing to walk. You’re the one who trained for this, you got the right shoes and drank enough water. You’re more than capable of running at your pace yet you keep stopping for them. How is that at all fair? I’ve learned that sometimes I may have to leave someone behind to keep going, but I’ll still have friends who are just one step ahead of me, and I’d love to keep up with them.

I’ve learned that whether it’s a bond with a friend, lover, parent, sibling, teacher, employer or neighbor, a relationship is a relationship. If a boyfriend/girlfriend were constantly making you unhappy or hurting you, you would probably understand that it’s best to end the relationship. Yet when it’s a best friend who’s tearing you apart, for some reason you’ll probably keep giving them chance after chance. I’ve learned that coming to the conclusion of ending a long term friendship sucks more than I can say, but I should never stick with someone simply because I have a history with them. We don’t have the past anymore, all we can do is take the best people into our futures and hope they’ll want to come along.

Categories: college, life, relationship | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

New Year’s, New Tears, New…Leers

Raise your hand if you have successfully stuck to your New Year’s resolutions 20 days into 2016.

*exasperated, disgruntled response*

Okay I see that 20 days has deemed too challenging. That’s okay! Being honest, I think resolutions are a little silly. Why do we wait for a year to start to begin making changes in our lives? If we were really serious about altering our realities we would do it the moment we believed we could. Doesn’t matter if it’s the first thing you think of when you wake up on April 4th or if it appeared to you in a dream on October 17th. If you’re really serious about a resolution, don’t wait for January! Just go out and do it!

As long as we’re on the topic of silly things, I happen to think New Year’s in general is silly. Yes time exists but the measurement of time is all man-made. Why do we get dressed up and throw glitter when a year ends? Oh look, it’s midnight. Again. Never seen that happen before. More than anything it’s just an excuse for people to get drunk but we already have a holiday for that. It’s called St. Patrick’s Day. (No I am  not insulting the Irish, I’m Irish myself and I know what goes on. I SEE YOU.)

Many people don’t stick to their resolutions because they’re changes that take gradual steps to accomplish, they’re too big to just happen spontaneously. They’re usually things like “I’m going to lose a lot of weight,” or “I’m going to eliminate all negativity from my life.” Those are great aspirations when needed! But they’re not going to be effortless. I’ve brainstormed some different ideas for making those big resolutions possible.

-Resolution: Become physically fit     Attempt: Works out each day for first 4 days of the year, tries all new diet for a week, starts taking vitamins, gives up quickly.

Whether you’re overweight or lacking serious nutrients, becoming a healthier individual is not something that happens overnight. In order to make lifelong changes, progress will take months and probably years to uphold. That doesn’t mean that it’s not possible though! What’s best is to evaluate your daily routine and implement gradual changes into your life a few times a week. It could be dangerous for your body to just begin running frequently or pumping iron, so it’s best to talk to your doctor and see what’s safe for you.

Instead of telling yourself that you’re going to work out every single day and swear off junk food for as long as you live, be a bit more lenient to begin. Try setting aside time to take a walk a few times a week, or lift small weights while you watch TV. Perhaps decide that you will only eat desert 3-4 times a week rather than every single day. Introduce new foods into your diet! Maybe the only reason you aren’t eating enough healthy foods is simply because you have no idea about all the delicious recipes there are. Don’t weigh yourself every single day. That’s obsessive and chances are you’ll just wind up feeling disappointed or discouraged since it takes a long time to actually change your current weight. Instead of marking your goal weight every 2 weeks on your calendar, make broad statements. Just say that you’ll be at ___lbs by May or June.

-Resolution: Defeat the dreaded caffeine addiction      Attempt: Doesn’t drink coffee for two days, suffers serious headache, relapses, is never seen without a latee ever again.

Letting go of coffee is physically and emotionally difficult. Not only do we experience serious cravings for our drink (and can become seriously irritable without it) but knowing that we’re about to drink coffee can seemingly lift our moods and make us excited! Coffee is a beautiful thing but the effects that caffeine intake can have on our lives are not so pretty. It effects our sleep schedule, dehydrates us, and can lead to symptoms of depression or anxiety.

Next time you order coffee, ask for half-caf instead. If you don’t need a pick-me-up and are just wanting coffee, order decaff. Try switching to black tea. It has half the amount of caffeine as coffee does so it’ll wake you up, just not as aggressively. You should also consider trying to start drinking a glass of water for every caffeinated drink you have!

-Resolution: Have better self-esteem      Attempt: ??????

How do you change your life? How do you suddenly just start loving yourself? This is something that people have to learn on their own for the most part, but there definitely are some things that anyone can pick up. First off, adopt this mentality: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.” Stop putting yourself down all the time and start complimenting yourself. It could be about anything, maybe you like that your hair is shiny or that your fingers are long enough to be able to play piano. Leave little notes of encouragement around your house. Journal. Sometimes when it comes to confidence, all you can do is fake it until you make it.

As for me, my resolution was been pretty easy to stick to considering it’s just staying vegetarian and I have no desire to eat meat. Even if you haven’t been loyal to the changes you wanted to make, you can always try again or change your approach. If you wait until next year you’ll never get it done!

 

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There are leftovers and they are everywhere

Happy late Thanksgiving to anyone who celebrates! I hope you all ate until you fell into a coma. 

My family always hosts this holiday, it’s tradition. We had a full house yesterday cramming 35 people into my basement. I got to meet my baby cousin for the first time and a huge family secret was revealed. (Dun dun DUNNNNNN) Turns out I’m German on my dad’s side. For some reason my grandma kept our heritage a secret for decades.. I don’t know what for but I guess I’m German now!

It’s been a long time since I’ve struggled with eating and I think that since I’ve made the change towards going vegetarian my relationship with food has changed a lot. Last night I loaded up a plate and ate in front of my entire family (which used to be hard for me) and I sincerely enjoyed all of it. 



It just feels really good to honor my health and body. Eating is such a basic component of life, you do it if you want to live. It seems like such a simple concept but some endure battles each day to perform this task. I’m lucky to not only be in a healthy state of mind but also to be able to access food whenever needed. It’s hard to grasp that some people actually go without meals because they simple can’t obtain food. 

Things to be thankful for: food, juice machines, GPS systems, highlighters, facial moisturizers, sweaters, large pockets. 

I love you all and extra enjoy your next snack.

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Remember when they changed Cookie Monster to Veggie Monster?! That’s me.

As I sit here and type this, I cry because there is no coffee in my house. (I’m not actually crying.) (But I am making noises that resemble a distressed fox.) I could go out and buy myself a latte, but today is Sunday. I do not look like a person on Sunday.

New thing: I’m considering going vegetarian. Well I’ve been considering it, now I’m actually making steps toward a transition. It started a few weeks ago, all of the sudden I just got really tired of meat. When I would come home from work and see that my mom had made some type of dish with chicken, it was all suddenly so unappealing to me and even made me slightly nauseous. I wanted nothing to do with meat and just craved salads constantly. I began to talk to vegetarians I know to see what made them change their diet and what they liked about it.

I realized that the only real benefit eating meat gives me is that it suppresses my appetite for longer periods of time than other food groups do, but it also leaves me feeling very lethargic. I started going to Whole Foods a lot with my best friend at the beginning of summer and each time I did I would grab sushi or load up on veggies. Not only did it suppress my appetite but it left me so energized! You don’t understand. I would turn into a firecracker. That’s how energized. Loading up on vegetables also made me more productive and helped with my mood greatly!

I told my parents about how I would like to change my diet. I thought they were going to not be supportive but they were just surprised and want to make sure I still eat enough. I’m not underweight, but I am skinny and relatively tall for a girl so I’m not interested in losing any weight. Plus I technically have a gluten intolerance so I would have to make sure I don’t replace meat with a ton of wheat by accident. That would be atrocious.

For now I think I’ll start by being pescatarian and introduce more tofu, eggs and nuts into my diet. I’ll also avoid any fast food meat. I read on No Meat Athlete that one way to change your diet is to start by not using the word “never”. Don’t try to go cold turkey (hahaha pun) with vegetarianism because that’s usually how people crack after a week. Start by setting yourself small goals and see how you feel from doing that! My first goal is to go one week without meat.

I’m excited to try this! It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and I don’t feel like putting it off again. I’m gonna go now though, I need to find a way to get some coffee.

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I’m never taking this off

Have you ever bought a piece of clothing that was so beautiful it made you actually afraid to wear it incase something were to happen to it? Yeah me too. 



Look at this. Look at this SWEATER. You don’t understand how soft it is, I am the softest thing ever created when I wear it. I am a bunny. A blanket. A blanket of bunnies. I am sleeping under a pile of baby bunnies and they are cute and tiny and they love me.  

The reason why I have this baby bunny sweater is because I have a photo shoot today! We’re going to a town near me that has a bookstore/café fusion heaven and I’m so excited. We’ll also go outside to get some outdoor fall shots and hopefully it’ll stop raining by that time. 

I hope you’re enjoying your weekend so far!

Categories: college, life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Patriotic music plays softly in background

It’s Friday! I would like to take a moment to kick off this fine autumn weekend with a short dedication to a boy I recently encountered at school. Here it goes, *clearing throat* 

To the douche canoe driving a blue Toyota-

Good to know you were a whopping 3 inches away from legitimately running me over in the parking lot 💖 You really know how to make a girl feel noticed. It’s the little surprises in life that make it all so exciting, and I was really surprised by your vibrant driving!! I am so honored to be able to spend an entire semester with people like you and I’m so proud of the fine individuals you are all becoming. I seriously am gonna be beside myself with sadness when I transfer schools next year.
Sincerely,
The dainty girl with a colorful vocabulary who nearly kicked in your fender with her combat boots
*hits stop button on CD player*
Well that’s all for now! See you next time!!
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To the Girl who is His Next

Over the years I’ve seen a ton of posts on Facebook or Tumblr that are letters written by one person addressed to their ex’s current significant other. In light of recent events I thought I would try it.

To the girl who is his next-

You do not know me, and I may not know of you for quite some time. If he is the same person he was months ago then I would imagine his habits are unchanged and he has a list of spiteful stories about me. I don’t care for what he says about me nor do I care if you believe them. That’s not the purpose behind my intentions. You can ignore this letter if you wish. Tear it in two, burn it, laugh about it with your friends, present it to him as you slide into his car. It doesn’t bother me. 

He’s charming, isn’t he? The depth in his eyes and the way he searched for my touch melted me from the start and I’d imagine he works the same magic on you. He made me feel noticed. I was an apple on a tree. Crowded among hundreds and hidden beneath boughs and boughs of leaves. He climbed the branches and reached for me. Me! I was the one who caught his eye when I didn’t think a trace of sunlight could find me.

I won’t tell you that he’s a terrible person because that’s not the case. I’m not here to list the number of fights we had or tally who caused them. Yes I am the one who ended things but it wasn’t because of anything he did. In the simplest explanation, I felt unhappy and unfulfilled. The feeling that I didn’t belong with him crept into me over the course of months and it was something I couldn’t wash away. I tried to let him know how I felt but it’s clear that my efforts weren’t enough. I thought I was doing the kind thing by waiting to have that conversation with him. I knew that if I confessed to him my doubts he would suffer from that moment until it was over. I was trying to save his happiness and sanity. He probably doesn’t understand that I never meant to be malicious or keep him in the dark, and I really did try everything I could to keep us together. I’m sure he’s probably very suspicious and distrusting of your true feelings for him and I bet if you’re anything like me you put a lot of work into reassuring him. I guess that’s my fault he’s paranoid although I can’t hold responsibility for his current actions. I didn’t bring a single burden of my past to our present even though it would’ve been so easy to do.

He needs a lot of love. Do your best to be patient and understanding, never take too long to text him back and make sure your plans together are your top priority. It’ll save you so much unnecessary trouble later on. I met his nearly his entire family except for his mother. Don’t be afraid to meet her, he always told me she wouldn’t judge me to my face. He’ll never get tired of holding your hand and he loves when you unexpectedly tell him something sweet. But he hates surprises so don’t expect him to wait long before opening presents or letters. He drives fast but he knows what he’s doing and won’t purposefully put you in danger. Don’t fret over wearing makeup around him, he’ll still tell you you’re beautiful and chances are he won’t even detect a difference. His eyes are bigger than his stomach so it’ll very helpful to just share meals with him at restaurants. He boxed for years and loved it but it left him with awful back pain. Rub his back near his shoulders when it gets really bad. Take plenty of photos and text him old ones when he’s having a bad day. It makes him feel better every time. Hold his face in your hand and let him fall asleep on you.

Above all, be honest with him. Even though he might get upset initially, after a while he’ll come to his senses and begin to do whatever it takes to fix a problem. Meet him halfway and appreciate all that he does. He’ll give you everything he’s capable of if you let him. He’ll remember every moment with you and cherish even the horrible ones. I wish you both well. I hope you get to know each other better than he and I allowed us to. I hope he is happy, and I hope you are happy being with him. I hope you love each other and I hope fate doesn’t ask to tear you apart. I hope he is what you have waited for and more.

Sincerely,

His last

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Thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles has changed her relationship status

A year ago I wanted a boyfriend. It’s not something I talked about excessively or wore myself out trying to find. I would mention to my friends or sisters every now and then about a person I had met and how I wondered why they hadn’t texted me back in two days. It wasn’t something I wanted to be superficial about. I’d met countless girls who would refer to their significant other as “my boyfriend” more often than actually stating his name in a sentence. It wouldn’t be a trophy won or experience gained, it was simply something that made me wonder if my life could be shaped differently by having one.

I imagined meeting someone in a coffee shop. He would approach me of course because I would be far too shy to talk to him first. Perhaps we’d have a conversation about a band sticker he noticed on my laptop, and just before he left he’d jot down his number on a scrap of paper so we could talk more about local bands. I would text my best friend in all caps immediately, “YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED” and she would get excited for me and ask me what he looked like and how tall he was and whether he seemed intelligent or not.

I wanted someone to hold my hand and ask about each of my rings, where they came from and why I never took them off. I wanted someone to pay attention to the minuscule things about me- the way I purposefully wore mismatched earrings or how I always sat with my backpack in my lap because I felt more secure holding onto something. I wanted to take someone to art museums and not have to feel rushed, we would actually bask in each artwork and point out tiny details together.

Well one day I actually did meet someone in a coffee shop and he actually did approach me first. We didn’t listen to the same bands but we still texted each other later. He held my hand but was always adjusting because my rings were uncomfortable between his fingers. We went to an art museum together but he was never interested in any of the renaissance paintings. I liked him a lot and he liked me a lot. That was enough for us until it wasn’t.

He didn’t like it when I didn’t text him back quickly and he really didn’t like it when I had to cancel our plans. I found myself apologizing constantly because we were fighting constantly. He always wanted more of my time -more of me- and I began to schedule my weeks around him. Well I’ll get out of school around this time, and I’ll be seeing him a couple hours after that. Wait, I have a test in a couple days. How long will we see each other for? I’ll need time to study but there’s no way I can change our plans now, he’ll flip out. I guess I’ll just have to study before he gets here. And stay up later when he brings me back home. My friends missed me and would ask me to hang out but 9 times out of 10 my reply would be “Sorry, I totally would but he and I already have plans. We’ll find time though.” Except I didn’t find time for them.

We sat so close to each other in restaurant booths but my thoughts were always so far away. My throat felt tight and air was so thin. I stopped doing the things that used to make me happy and I isolated myself from the people who loved me because they didn’t like who I was dating and told me to find someone else. I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to. The minute I ended it he would fall apart because I was the thing keeping him together. He needed me around for my sunshine when he had a lamp that worked perfectly fine, he just preferred that I be his light. I felt like a hypocrite for teaching him about optimism when it became impossible for me to remain positive. I was no longer resilient and things that were bad, felt bad. I lost my armor.

Perhaps it was the advice from my therapist, or my mother’s sleepless nights, or my friends’ genuine concern, or the prayers I said to angels, or maybe I had just finally had enough. Whatever the reason was it helped me decide to end it. It was brutal, excruciating, and torturous. I cried for days and forgot to eat which caused me to lose 6 pounds in under a week. He blamed me mercilessly, then turned the tables and insisted that it was all his fault but he was sorry and promised to do whatever it took to keep us together. If he had kept his promises that he made months ago I might have believed him.

We don’t talk much anymore and it’s strange to not be in constant communication with him all day. I’m not used to my schedule being so relatively open but I finally have time to clean my room and paint landscapes. I’ve decided to stop finding blame. If I had better communication with him maybe we could’ve worked things out, but then again he shouldn’t have been treating me poorly in the first place. The bottom line was that I was unhappy and postponed my own well being for far too long. I still have my ups and downs but the lows aren’t quite so crushing anymore. I’ll simply feel a sinking pain in my chest that subsides after a moment or two. Even with everything that’s happened I don’t regret being with him. I grew from an unpleasant experience but at least I grew. I’m not thinking about relationships right now. I just want to be a college student that finds extreme happiness in simplicity once again.

If you’re reading this please remember that you’re valued beyond belief and you deserve to be with someone that proves that to you each day. Love shouldn’t hurt.

-Jessie

Categories: relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Be Nice 2 Me

Hello World! 

Today I went to work as I do every Saturday morning. I went through the normal routine of folding laundry, sweeping floors, making phone calls – that kind of thing. Today things were a bit different because I got yelled at by two different clients. 

Why? One man yelled at me because he wasn’t clear in what he was asking and got frustrated extremely quickly when I didn’t give him the answer he was expecting. Another woman was furious because a stylist had to cancel her appointment which, I get it. I totally understand why she would be upset but I don’t understand why she had to take it out on me – the receptionist. 

None of it was enough to embarrass me or make me cry at work and I’m not going to go to bed worrying over what I did wrong to make someone so angry. I’m just confused over why it can be so hard for some people to just be nice. Maybe it’s just because as far as I can remember I have never ever yelled at someone like that. 

I could spend all day wondering how some people can just openly be rude, but then I think about all the kind things you could do to brighten someone’s day (who perhaps just got yelled at during work). 

-Always hold open the door for someone.

-Say thank you if someone takes you out to eat, yes even your parents. They like gratitude too. 

-Put some change in the tip jar. 

-Go back and tell the barista how much you loved the drink they made you. (Trust me as an ex-barista, this one can really make your day.)

-Compliment an artist’s work, even if you don’t know them, actually especially if you don’t know them. 

-Invite people to be in your picture. 

-Give specific compliments. (You have a nice jaw, that color looks great on you, I like your voice, you remind me of a daisy, I like your opinion on ___, etc) 

-Be an attentive passenger seat driver. Check blind spots with them and tell them when it’s safe to go. 

-Visit someone at work. 

This list is so short but it could go for pages and pages. I think sometimes we forget how far a little kindness could go, and I just wanted to remind you all that you can make a huge difference without even trying. I hope you all are having a great summer. 

Love – Jessie

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