life

What happened when I threw my phone in the garbage disposal

I didn’t actually throw my phone in the garbage disposal, that’s a lie. I just dropped it in. Another lie. My phone has seen some darker days but it’s never been demolished by spinning blades, I just needed something to catch your attention. Seeing that you’ve stuck with me this far, it worked.

“I feel like throwing my phone in the garbage disposal. Text me if you need me,” was the last thing I posted on my Snapchat Story before I went off the grid for a month. It was the very end of April and I was not happy. My unhappiness was a result of numerous factors: stress from school, relationship(?) troubles, and drama with friends. While dealing with all of this I became extremely agitated whenever I went on my phone. My social media platforms were filled with people’s online personas. What I mean by an online persona is the way in which a person presents themselves online but not in real life. I noticed the people I knew personally acting like someone else entirely and felt saddened by their forced behavior.

I began to contemplate what it meant to be online. Do I have such a noticeable online persona? Do I act the same in person as I do online? All of us are roped into the internet practically at all times. Here I sit, writing this, and there you are now, reading it. I never see people waiting anymore. Anytime I’m sitting in class before my professor begins their opening lecture or waiting to see a doctor, etc. I notice the people around me on their phones. Switching between different social media platforms, refreshing their feeds and seeing how many likes, comments, or views they’ve gotten on X, Y, and Z. They might look up someone’s profile, a person of romantic interest or a severed friendship. If there’s enough time and they’ve already seen all new content on social media, they might refresh their email inbox or look through old photos. I know this because I’ve done it many times, too.

I needed to get away from it all. I needed a break from the constant notifications which lure me back into time-consuming apps. I needed time. I logged out of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, and Snapchat. I vowed to myself that I wouldn’t return to those platforms for a month. Here’s what happened:

THE EVOLUTION OF A DETACHED MILLENNIAL

Phase 1: Wow. I feel so much better. I’m offline, incognito. No one knows what I’m eating for lunch or how frazzled I am over this essay. I am so much more in tune with myself than any of my peers. I think I just leveled up.

Phase 2: Here I am, just laying on my bed and staring at the ceiling so I don’t have to look at the tower of textbooks on my desk. I think I’ll check my phone. Oops, forgot I’m logged out. Doesn’t matter. I didn’t want to be on Instagram, anyway.

Phase 3: I’m really bored.

Phase 4: I have looked through all of my photos dating back to my senior year of high school three times now.

Phase 5: I have so many literature anthologies on my desk.

Phase 6: I wish I could Tweet my annoyance over some obscure interruption of my daily routine which happened just now.

Phase 7: I just took a nice picture. Too bad nobody knows about it, this would probably get at least 70 likes.

Phase 8: I’m actually starting to be more productive because I’m bored less often because subconsciously I understand that I no longer have access to constant distractions.

Phase 9: People have been texting me and asking how I’m doing. They think it’s cool that I’m offline and are curious as to why I did it. Their support makes me feel more confident in my decision and I hope that someday they’ll try a similar experiment.

Phase 10: I think I’ll log back into my accounts someday but for now I don’t feel the need to. I’m pretty content as it is.

I wound up deactivating my Twitter account entirely and I purged my other platforms. What I mean is that I unfollowed accounts of people I don’t actually know in real life and people I do know who happen to annoy the positive out of my A positive blood (I recently donated blood for the first time, what a thrill). I deleted people on Snapchat and Facebook who I haven’t spoken to in years and don’t plan to speak to. Now when I go online I see updates and pictures from people I would enjoy spending one-on-one time with. I’m not flooded with constant stimuli that takes me away from my life. I’ve learned to be more reserved online because I’ve found that there’s no reason for people to know what I’m up to at multiple points each day. I share what I think is worth sharing and there’s nothing I post online that I couldn’t bring myself to say out loud. I’m happier, I’m less stressed, and I no longer feel like the Internet’s puppet.

 

 

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FRIENDSHIP

In my first two years of college I have learned more about friendship than I had from preschool to high school graduation. I didn’t give the subject much thought before, friends were just people you enjoyed being around and told your secrets to. It wasn’t until I seriously started to grow up that I began to analyze how my companions could be impacting my life, both in wonderful and sometimes horrible ways.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Something my mom always told me was, “If they’ll gossip to you, they’ll gossip about you.” I always kept it in mind, and the thought grew with me. Even though I was fairly certain (like 99.9% positive) that certain friends would never talk smack about me, I simply didn’t like the ways they would talk about others. I cringe every time someone is called ugly, since childhood it’s just something I never could stomach. I learned that I didn’t want friends who were okay with putting others down, even if they never would put me down. I want to be friends with people who compliment strangers, and talk about how lovely they think our mutual friends are.

I learned that sometimes your friend will have one little habit, one minor quality about them that just irritates you to no end. Maybe they copy the way you dress or they interrupt you multiple times in one conversation. Maybe they act like they love a band more than you do (even thought you’re clearly their biggest fan to ever grace the earth). Sometimes it might even make you really mad at them, but if that one insignificant little pesky quirk about them is seriously the biggest issue in your relationship, that’s pretty darn lucky.

I learned that I should never ever sacrifice my personal growth for someone who refuses to grow. It’s like a race, not a competition, but just something we all run together. You’re doing just fine on the second lap, but your friend keeps slowing to walk. You’re the one who trained for this, you got the right shoes and drank enough water. You’re more than capable of running at your pace yet you keep stopping for them. How is that at all fair? I’ve learned that sometimes I may have to leave someone behind to keep going, but I’ll still have friends who are just one step ahead of me, and I’d love to keep up with them.

I’ve learned that whether it’s a bond with a friend, lover, parent, sibling, teacher, employer or neighbor, a relationship is a relationship. If a boyfriend/girlfriend were constantly making you unhappy or hurting you, you would probably understand that it’s best to end the relationship. Yet when it’s a best friend who’s tearing you apart, for some reason you’ll probably keep giving them chance after chance. I’ve learned that coming to the conclusion of ending a long term friendship sucks more than I can say, but I should never stick with someone simply because I have a history with them. We don’t have the past anymore, all we can do is take the best people into our futures and hope they’ll want to come along.

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I’m never taking this off

Have you ever bought a piece of clothing that was so beautiful it made you actually afraid to wear it incase something were to happen to it? Yeah me too. 



Look at this. Look at this SWEATER. You don’t understand how soft it is, I am the softest thing ever created when I wear it. I am a bunny. A blanket. A blanket of bunnies. I am sleeping under a pile of baby bunnies and they are cute and tiny and they love me.  

The reason why I have this baby bunny sweater is because I have a photo shoot today! We’re going to a town near me that has a bookstore/café fusion heaven and I’m so excited. We’ll also go outside to get some outdoor fall shots and hopefully it’ll stop raining by that time. 

I hope you’re enjoying your weekend so far!

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Patriotic music plays softly in background

It’s Friday! I would like to take a moment to kick off this fine autumn weekend with a short dedication to a boy I recently encountered at school. Here it goes, *clearing throat* 

To the douche canoe driving a blue Toyota-

Good to know you were a whopping 3 inches away from legitimately running me over in the parking lot 💖 You really know how to make a girl feel noticed. It’s the little surprises in life that make it all so exciting, and I was really surprised by your vibrant driving!! I am so honored to be able to spend an entire semester with people like you and I’m so proud of the fine individuals you are all becoming. I seriously am gonna be beside myself with sadness when I transfer schools next year.
Sincerely,
The dainty girl with a colorful vocabulary who nearly kicked in your fender with her combat boots
*hits stop button on CD player*
Well that’s all for now! See you next time!!
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Be Nice 2 Me

Hello World! 

Today I went to work as I do every Saturday morning. I went through the normal routine of folding laundry, sweeping floors, making phone calls – that kind of thing. Today things were a bit different because I got yelled at by two different clients. 

Why? One man yelled at me because he wasn’t clear in what he was asking and got frustrated extremely quickly when I didn’t give him the answer he was expecting. Another woman was furious because a stylist had to cancel her appointment which, I get it. I totally understand why she would be upset but I don’t understand why she had to take it out on me – the receptionist. 

None of it was enough to embarrass me or make me cry at work and I’m not going to go to bed worrying over what I did wrong to make someone so angry. I’m just confused over why it can be so hard for some people to just be nice. Maybe it’s just because as far as I can remember I have never ever yelled at someone like that. 

I could spend all day wondering how some people can just openly be rude, but then I think about all the kind things you could do to brighten someone’s day (who perhaps just got yelled at during work). 

-Always hold open the door for someone.

-Say thank you if someone takes you out to eat, yes even your parents. They like gratitude too. 

-Put some change in the tip jar. 

-Go back and tell the barista how much you loved the drink they made you. (Trust me as an ex-barista, this one can really make your day.)

-Compliment an artist’s work, even if you don’t know them, actually especially if you don’t know them. 

-Invite people to be in your picture. 

-Give specific compliments. (You have a nice jaw, that color looks great on you, I like your voice, you remind me of a daisy, I like your opinion on ___, etc) 

-Be an attentive passenger seat driver. Check blind spots with them and tell them when it’s safe to go. 

-Visit someone at work. 

This list is so short but it could go for pages and pages. I think sometimes we forget how far a little kindness could go, and I just wanted to remind you all that you can make a huge difference without even trying. I hope you all are having a great summer. 

Love – Jessie

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Oh you found my journal ok

As promised, here’s a poem I’ve written. 

I don’t know that I believe in soul mates anymore. I know that you were my light, a little star I tossed into the sky to make my night a little less dim. I know that I followed you, and I wished on you with every meander and dead end. What I don’t understand is how eight years were forgotten through a single phone call. I never really felt alone until my only company were your footprints on the beach, and I never really felt small until I realized how vast the ocean was without you swimming beside me. I thought I cut my heel on a shard of glass, but it was only another one of your promises. 

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Can I lay on your couch and talk about my problems

Yesterday I did something I told myself I would never do ever again – I went back to therapy.

My mom believes my boyfriend is bad news, and insisted that if I wouldn’t talk to her or my dad about anything the least I could do was tell a therapist. At first I was mad, like, really mad. I stormed out of my parents’ room and flopped face-first onto my bed. I’m in college, why did my mom think it was acceptable to schedule an appointment with a therapist for me without even asking me if that’s something I wanted? Then I realized that most times people who need therapy go because they’re being forced to attend. Maybe this actually was something I needed.

By morning I felt better and reluctantly agreed. I’d go for my mom so she could have some peace of mind. I don’t plan on being a mother any time soon, but as I grow up I’m beginning to understand what it must feel like to be a parent. My doctor’s office was only a town away and took me about 15 minutes to reach. I was thankful that I could drive myself there, it gave me a greater sense of independence. I passed coffee shops and bookstores on my way, delighted at how adorable the downtown area was. I entered the office and handed over my insurance information, then filled out legal forms.

As she opened the door, my therapist looked exactly as I remembered her 3 years ago. Her short layers flared out at the ends and she wore a floral scarf over her blazer. I was impressed at how much she remembered about my life, from my grades in high school to family vacations. We shared small talk about college and our new puppies, then a melancholy silence reminded us of the real reason I sat on her sofa.

I told her about my relationship, the way things slipped out of our hands before we knew what was happening. She told me it was evident that after just 3 months of dating someone I had grown tremendously. She was appalled at how I felt I was wasting all of his time, nothing was wasted she said. We talked for an hour, then I signed a check and she scribbled in her calendar. I’ll be seeing her again next week.

It took a few days and multiple cups of tea for me to realize that going to therapy is nothing to be ashamed of. I attended it for 5 years in the past and took a 3 year break, and that’s fantastic. I’ve made so much progress with my old struggles, and I just so happen to be facing a new obstacle. Kudos to my readers who keep in touch with a therapist as well.

So much love,

Jessie

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“Your current situation is not your final destination”

My life has been a whirlwind lately to say the least. I put too much on my plate thinking I could handle it all, but 3 jobs, my first year of college and a relationship were more than I initially bargained for.

I’ve worked at a cafe for well over a year, and have helped out a family by babysitting their two children during the week and sometimes weekends. The cafe paid me minimum wage, and it seemed like every time I came home at night with coffee in my hand, I was complaining about my shift more than anything. My dad informed me one day that a salon was in need of a new receptionist, and suggested I look into it. I got an interview, and was soon making phone calls and sweeping up the snipped off locks of hair on the floor. So there- more money.

In order to graduate college within 4 years, I had to sign up for multiple classes, adding up to 18 credits just from my spring semester. I worked hard. Harder than I ever did in high school. I stayed up late to write papers and woke up early to review for a math quiz. I’d scramble to finish lab reports in my hour between classes and never skipped in the entire year. Finals came and grades were posted, I achieved a 4.0 GPA. So there- good grades.

I met a boy around February. We went to the same school and one day he asked me if I would meet him at a Starbucks. I loved the way he wore hats backwards and how he’d ask me if he were annoying me when he rambled on about technology and alternative rock bands. He held my hand when we drove around in his car and he was always the first person to say ‘Good morning’ to me. I always said I could never date a smoker, but when he smoked it didn’t bother me. After going on dinner dates in the city and watching movies in my basement we decided to make it official. So there- my first boyfriend.

People saw me as a hard-working young adult. I managed to do it all! Yep. I dragged myself between jobs for a little bit of money and made it through essay after essay with the motivation of anxiety attacks. Everyone liked the pictures I posted of my boyfriend and I, saying how we were so cute together and they were all so happy for me. Well I’m glad they had their happiness because I’ve been losing mine.

They saw my relationship status change months ago, but no one was around to witness the 2 incidences where we almost went back to being single. No one stepped in to break up the fights that led to our fall out, and no one noticed the bright blue color of my eyes fade to a dull grey. Maybe I’m just good at makeup.

I’ve been dealing with chronic infections for the past 2 months, and I never realized until now how good health truly is a gift. I’ve been praying to get better, and the other night I meditated with spirit candles and healing crystals. I felt a force sway my stable body from side to side, and I watched myself pass through the universe.

Things have been hard, but I’m determined to see the best of my journey. It’s all a learning process, and I have to believe that this will all help me grow. I’ll keep smiling and making others smile in return.

Much love,

Jessie

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