Posts Tagged With: cafe

Thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles has changed her relationship status

A year ago I wanted a boyfriend. It’s not something I talked about excessively or wore myself out trying to find. I would mention to my friends or sisters every now and then about a person I had met and how I wondered why they hadn’t texted me back in two days. It wasn’t something I wanted to be superficial about. I’d met countless girls who would refer to their significant other as “my boyfriend” more often than actually stating his name in a sentence. It wouldn’t be a trophy won or experience gained, it was simply something that made me wonder if my life could be shaped differently by having one.

I imagined meeting someone in a coffee shop. He would approach me of course because I would be far too shy to talk to him first. Perhaps we’d have a conversation about a band sticker he noticed on my laptop, and just before he left he’d jot down his number on a scrap of paper so we could talk more about local bands. I would text my best friend in all caps immediately, “YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED” and she would get excited for me and ask me what he looked like and how tall he was and whether he seemed intelligent or not.

I wanted someone to hold my hand and ask about each of my rings, where they came from and why I never took them off. I wanted someone to pay attention to the minuscule things about me- the way I purposefully wore mismatched earrings or how I always sat with my backpack in my lap because I felt more secure holding onto something. I wanted to take someone to art museums and not have to feel rushed, we would actually bask in each artwork and point out tiny details together.

Well one day I actually did meet someone in a coffee shop and he actually did approach me first. We didn’t listen to the same bands but we still texted each other later. He held my hand but was always adjusting because my rings were uncomfortable between his fingers. We went to an art museum together but he was never interested in any of the renaissance paintings. I liked him a lot and he liked me a lot. That was enough for us until it wasn’t.

He didn’t like it when I didn’t text him back quickly and he really didn’t like it when I had to cancel our plans. I found myself apologizing constantly because we were fighting constantly. He always wanted more of my time -more of me- and I began to schedule my weeks around him. Well I’ll get out of school around this time, and I’ll be seeing him a couple hours after that. Wait, I have a test in a couple days. How long will we see each other for? I’ll need time to study but there’s no way I can change our plans now, he’ll flip out. I guess I’ll just have to study before he gets here. And stay up later when he brings me back home. My friends missed me and would ask me to hang out but 9 times out of 10 my reply would be “Sorry, I totally would but he and I already have plans. We’ll find time though.” Except I didn’t find time for them.

We sat so close to each other in restaurant booths but my thoughts were always so far away. My throat felt tight and air was so thin. I stopped doing the things that used to make me happy and I isolated myself from the people who loved me because they didn’t like who I was dating and told me to find someone else. I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to. The minute I ended it he would fall apart because I was the thing keeping him together. He needed me around for my sunshine when he had a lamp that worked perfectly fine, he just preferred that I be his light. I felt like a hypocrite for teaching him about optimism when it became impossible for me to remain positive. I was no longer resilient and things that were bad, felt bad. I lost my armor.

Perhaps it was the advice from my therapist, or my mother’s sleepless nights, or my friends’ genuine concern, or the prayers I said to angels, or maybe I had just finally had enough. Whatever the reason was it helped me decide to end it. It was brutal, excruciating, and torturous. I cried for days and forgot to eat which caused me to lose 6 pounds in under a week. He blamed me mercilessly, then turned the tables and insisted that it was all his fault but he was sorry and promised to do whatever it took to keep us together. If he had kept his promises that he made months ago I might have believed him.

We don’t talk much anymore and it’s strange to not be in constant communication with him all day. I’m not used to my schedule being so relatively open but I finally have time to clean my room and paint landscapes. I’ve decided to stop finding blame. If I had better communication with him maybe we could’ve worked things out, but then again he shouldn’t have been treating me poorly in the first place. The bottom line was that I was unhappy and postponed my own well being for far too long. I still have my ups and downs but the lows aren’t quite so crushing anymore. I’ll simply feel a sinking pain in my chest that subsides after a moment or two. Even with everything that’s happened I don’t regret being with him. I grew from an unpleasant experience but at least I grew. I’m not thinking about relationships right now. I just want to be a college student that finds extreme happiness in simplicity once again.

If you’re reading this please remember that you’re valued beyond belief and you deserve to be with someone that proves that to you each day. Love shouldn’t hurt.

-Jessie

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“Your current situation is not your final destination”

My life has been a whirlwind lately to say the least. I put too much on my plate thinking I could handle it all, but 3 jobs, my first year of college and a relationship were more than I initially bargained for.

I’ve worked at a cafe for well over a year, and have helped out a family by babysitting their two children during the week and sometimes weekends. The cafe paid me minimum wage, and it seemed like every time I came home at night with coffee in my hand, I was complaining about my shift more than anything. My dad informed me one day that a salon was in need of a new receptionist, and suggested I look into it. I got an interview, and was soon making phone calls and sweeping up the snipped off locks of hair on the floor. So there- more money.

In order to graduate college within 4 years, I had to sign up for multiple classes, adding up to 18 credits just from my spring semester. I worked hard. Harder than I ever did in high school. I stayed up late to write papers and woke up early to review for a math quiz. I’d scramble to finish lab reports in my hour between classes and never skipped in the entire year. Finals came and grades were posted, I achieved a 4.0 GPA. So there- good grades.

I met a boy around February. We went to the same school and one day he asked me if I would meet him at a Starbucks. I loved the way he wore hats backwards and how he’d ask me if he were annoying me when he rambled on about technology and alternative rock bands. He held my hand when we drove around in his car and he was always the first person to say ‘Good morning’ to me. I always said I could never date a smoker, but when he smoked it didn’t bother me. After going on dinner dates in the city and watching movies in my basement we decided to make it official. So there- my first boyfriend.

People saw me as a hard-working young adult. I managed to do it all! Yep. I dragged myself between jobs for a little bit of money and made it through essay after essay with the motivation of anxiety attacks. Everyone liked the pictures I posted of my boyfriend and I, saying how we were so cute together and they were all so happy for me. Well I’m glad they had their happiness because I’ve been losing mine.

They saw my relationship status change months ago, but no one was around to witness the 2 incidences where we almost went back to being single. No one stepped in to break up the fights that led to our fall out, and no one noticed the bright blue color of my eyes fade to a dull grey. Maybe I’m just good at makeup.

I’ve been dealing with chronic infections for the past 2 months, and I never realized until now how good health truly is a gift. I’ve been praying to get better, and the other night I meditated with spirit candles and healing crystals. I felt a force sway my stable body from side to side, and I watched myself pass through the universe.

Things have been hard, but I’m determined to see the best of my journey. It’s all a learning process, and I have to believe that this will all help me grow. I’ll keep smiling and making others smile in return.

Much love,

Jessie

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Wow look at all this dust on my computer

BREAKING NEWS

THE LOWLY BLOGGER BY THE SCREEN NAME OF THATGIRLWHOALWAYSSMILES IS NO LONGER MISSING. SHE HAS BEEN FOUND, AND SAFELY TRANSPORTED TO A SAFER PLACE WITH COFFEE AND INTERNET. 

Sup World, miss me? In all seriousness, I’d like to apologize for how long I’ve been logged off of this site. I didn’t even realize until today that the last time I blogged was when my dog died. I guess between dealing with that, serving caffeinated drinks to crazy customers and trying to be a better student- life just got in the way. I’m taking 5 courses, which averaged out to 18 credit hours this semester. I don’t know if the credit system is used in other countries for education, so for all you exotic readers just know that it’s a lot of homework. And to all my readers from the Land of the Eagle, ya feel me?? Yeah.

I actually have to get to my speech class (which is awesome by the way) in about 10 minutes but before I go, I thought I’d share with you guys that I’m dating someone!! 😀 Gosh, where do I even begin? We met at school, he’s my age, he’s super smart and funny and caring and attentive, he’s tall and has the cutest face I’ve ever seen. He does the sweetest things like, one time *adjusts sitting position* we were on a walk and I was wearing Toms which wasn’t a smart idea considering we live in an arctic tundra, but anyway- there was snow covering some parts of the sidewalk, and I didn’t even ask him to, he just picked me up and carried me over!  :’) We hold hands all the time, it just happens without us even realizing most of the time. He never lets a day go by without making me feel special and that’s something no one else has ever attempted to do. Honestly my lovely readers, I could dedicate an entire blog about this boy and it still wouldn’t be enough to tell you about how wonderful he really is. I’m so lucky to know him.

I should really go to class, but it feels so great to be sipping mediocre coffee in my over heated school and tell you all about the recent escapades of my life. I promise to keep in better touch. If you’re having a bad day, I hope it gets better! And if you’re having a good day, I’m happy things are going well! Smile at a stranger for me today, ok?

Much love,

Jessie

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Whoa. Did you see that pigeon?

hEY WORLD.

Once again, this post is brought to you from my college’s computer lab. (he he) I finished taking an environmental biology test about an hour ago. I came here to get some work done until my next class.

Which brings me to my point of today’s writing: How I pass time in between classes. Fellow college students, take notes. Or don’t, I mean, I don’t always take notes. It depends on my mood. Anyway. I give you….

A LIST OF THINGS THAT I DO WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO DO

1. Go to the computer lab. I could do something productive, or I could go on WordPress.com. It’s really a win-win situation.

2. Scavenge for coffee. If I haven’t expressed this yet, I am a coffee nut. And there’s no going back. There are two different cafes in my school located in different buildings, so I simply activate my internal GPS to get me to one of them.

3. Sit on a couch somewhere and dig my cellular device out of the endless pit that some people would argue is a “bag”. The next step is to simply connect my headphones to my ears and open the Tumblr app. That’s right, I have other blogs.

4. Stare out a window and notice all the things.

5. Find someone I share even the slightest acquaintance with, and say hi. That’s it. Just say hi and run for the Everglades.

There are other things on this list of course, such as staring at cute boys and willing them to talk to me. It worked like, once.

This has been grand, readers. I always enjoy the fact that someone, somewhere may be reading about my day.

Keep on keepin’ on

-thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles

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Tinman Hearts

Hey world

I work at a little cafe and as much as I love the coffee scene, I don’t always love those I share it with. Occasionally my coworkers can be a little.. indecent as human beings. Not saying they’re bad people, but they’re not always good ones. 

One woman is constantly trying to make the other employees look bad, and enjoys acting like she’s better than the rest of us. Not to mention that many employees I’m surrounded by are hard gossip addicts. Now I just got out of high school, you really think I don’t know these games? Nice try honey. Sit down. 

I was extremely frustrated today during my shift because I was her new target. She was aggressively pointing out my mistakes (I’ve only been there for a month and a half ok jeez) and ranting about how everyone at the cafe has “no common sense”. Ok. Yes we all make mistakes sometimes but no common sense whatsoever? Ok.

When she stopped steaming she jabbered to me nonstop. Now I don’t think this woman talks a lot, I just think she wants someone to listen to her from time to time. I’m fine with being that person for people. Eventually she landed on a personal topic. She expressed to me how much she and her husband are struggling financially and how it’s all more difficult having a daughter to raise as well. I think she got choked up at one point.

I knew from the beginning that this woman acted the way she did for a reason, this just opened my eyes more to it. So I had a change of heart. I’ve decided that come Christmas time, I want to help her and her husband out in getting presents for their daughter. Not all parents can afford to get their kids gifts, but every kid deserves a good Christmas. So I’ll be Santa’s helper this year.  

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