Posts Tagged With: dreams

New Year’s, New Tears, New…Leers

Raise your hand if you have successfully stuck to your New Year’s resolutions 20 days into 2016.

*exasperated, disgruntled response*

Okay I see that 20 days has deemed too challenging. That’s okay! Being honest, I think resolutions are a little silly. Why do we wait for a year to start to begin making changes in our lives? If we were really serious about altering our realities we would do it the moment we believed we could. Doesn’t matter if it’s the first thing you think of when you wake up on April 4th or if it appeared to you in a dream on October 17th. If you’re really serious about a resolution, don’t wait for January! Just go out and do it!

As long as we’re on the topic of silly things, I happen to think New Year’s in general is silly. Yes time exists but the measurement of time is all man-made. Why do we get dressed up and throw glitter when a year ends? Oh look, it’s midnight. Again. Never seen that happen before. More than anything it’s just an excuse for people to get drunk but we already have a holiday for that. It’s called St. Patrick’s Day. (No I am  not insulting the Irish, I’m Irish myself and I know what goes on. I SEE YOU.)

Many people don’t stick to their resolutions because they’re changes that take gradual steps to accomplish, they’re too big to just happen spontaneously. They’re usually things like “I’m going to lose a lot of weight,” or “I’m going to eliminate all negativity from my life.” Those are great aspirations when needed! But they’re not going to be effortless. I’ve brainstormed some different ideas for making those big resolutions possible.

-Resolution: Become physically fit     Attempt: Works out each day for first 4 days of the year, tries all new diet for a week, starts taking vitamins, gives up quickly.

Whether you’re overweight or lacking serious nutrients, becoming a healthier individual is not something that happens overnight. In order to make lifelong changes, progress will take months and probably years to uphold. That doesn’t mean that it’s not possible though! What’s best is to evaluate your daily routine and implement gradual changes into your life a few times a week. It could be dangerous for your body to just begin running frequently or pumping iron, so it’s best to talk to your doctor and see what’s safe for you.

Instead of telling yourself that you’re going to work out every single day and swear off junk food for as long as you live, be a bit more lenient to begin. Try setting aside time to take a walk a few times a week, or lift small weights while you watch TV. Perhaps decide that you will only eat desert 3-4 times a week rather than every single day. Introduce new foods into your diet! Maybe the only reason you aren’t eating enough healthy foods is simply because you have no idea about all the delicious recipes there are. Don’t weigh yourself every single day. That’s obsessive and chances are you’ll just wind up feeling disappointed or discouraged since it takes a long time to actually change your current weight. Instead of marking your goal weight every 2 weeks on your calendar, make broad statements. Just say that you’ll be at ___lbs by May or June.

-Resolution: Defeat the dreaded caffeine addiction      Attempt: Doesn’t drink coffee for two days, suffers serious headache, relapses, is never seen without a latee ever again.

Letting go of coffee is physically and emotionally difficult. Not only do we experience serious cravings for our drink (and can become seriously irritable without it) but knowing that we’re about to drink coffee can seemingly lift our moods and make us excited! Coffee is a beautiful thing but the effects that caffeine intake can have on our lives are not so pretty. It effects our sleep schedule, dehydrates us, and can lead to symptoms of depression or anxiety.

Next time you order coffee, ask for half-caf instead. If you don’t need a pick-me-up and are just wanting coffee, order decaff. Try switching to black tea. It has half the amount of caffeine as coffee does so it’ll wake you up, just not as aggressively. You should also consider trying to start drinking a glass of water for every caffeinated drink you have!

-Resolution: Have better self-esteem      Attempt: ??????

How do you change your life? How do you suddenly just start loving yourself? This is something that people have to learn on their own for the most part, but there definitely are some things that anyone can pick up. First off, adopt this mentality: “If you wouldn’t say it to a friend, don’t say it to yourself.” Stop putting yourself down all the time and start complimenting yourself. It could be about anything, maybe you like that your hair is shiny or that your fingers are long enough to be able to play piano. Leave little notes of encouragement around your house. Journal. Sometimes when it comes to confidence, all you can do is fake it until you make it.

As for me, my resolution was been pretty easy to stick to considering it’s just staying vegetarian and I have no desire to eat meat. Even if you haven’t been loyal to the changes you wanted to make, you can always try again or change your approach. If you wait until next year you’ll never get it done!

 

Categories: holidays, New Year's | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles has changed her relationship status

A year ago I wanted a boyfriend. It’s not something I talked about excessively or wore myself out trying to find. I would mention to my friends or sisters every now and then about a person I had met and how I wondered why they hadn’t texted me back in two days. It wasn’t something I wanted to be superficial about. I’d met countless girls who would refer to their significant other as “my boyfriend” more often than actually stating his name in a sentence. It wouldn’t be a trophy won or experience gained, it was simply something that made me wonder if my life could be shaped differently by having one.

I imagined meeting someone in a coffee shop. He would approach me of course because I would be far too shy to talk to him first. Perhaps we’d have a conversation about a band sticker he noticed on my laptop, and just before he left he’d jot down his number on a scrap of paper so we could talk more about local bands. I would text my best friend in all caps immediately, “YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED” and she would get excited for me and ask me what he looked like and how tall he was and whether he seemed intelligent or not.

I wanted someone to hold my hand and ask about each of my rings, where they came from and why I never took them off. I wanted someone to pay attention to the minuscule things about me- the way I purposefully wore mismatched earrings or how I always sat with my backpack in my lap because I felt more secure holding onto something. I wanted to take someone to art museums and not have to feel rushed, we would actually bask in each artwork and point out tiny details together.

Well one day I actually did meet someone in a coffee shop and he actually did approach me first. We didn’t listen to the same bands but we still texted each other later. He held my hand but was always adjusting because my rings were uncomfortable between his fingers. We went to an art museum together but he was never interested in any of the renaissance paintings. I liked him a lot and he liked me a lot. That was enough for us until it wasn’t.

He didn’t like it when I didn’t text him back quickly and he really didn’t like it when I had to cancel our plans. I found myself apologizing constantly because we were fighting constantly. He always wanted more of my time -more of me- and I began to schedule my weeks around him. Well I’ll get out of school around this time, and I’ll be seeing him a couple hours after that. Wait, I have a test in a couple days. How long will we see each other for? I’ll need time to study but there’s no way I can change our plans now, he’ll flip out. I guess I’ll just have to study before he gets here. And stay up later when he brings me back home. My friends missed me and would ask me to hang out but 9 times out of 10 my reply would be “Sorry, I totally would but he and I already have plans. We’ll find time though.” Except I didn’t find time for them.

We sat so close to each other in restaurant booths but my thoughts were always so far away. My throat felt tight and air was so thin. I stopped doing the things that used to make me happy and I isolated myself from the people who loved me because they didn’t like who I was dating and told me to find someone else. I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to. The minute I ended it he would fall apart because I was the thing keeping him together. He needed me around for my sunshine when he had a lamp that worked perfectly fine, he just preferred that I be his light. I felt like a hypocrite for teaching him about optimism when it became impossible for me to remain positive. I was no longer resilient and things that were bad, felt bad. I lost my armor.

Perhaps it was the advice from my therapist, or my mother’s sleepless nights, or my friends’ genuine concern, or the prayers I said to angels, or maybe I had just finally had enough. Whatever the reason was it helped me decide to end it. It was brutal, excruciating, and torturous. I cried for days and forgot to eat which caused me to lose 6 pounds in under a week. He blamed me mercilessly, then turned the tables and insisted that it was all his fault but he was sorry and promised to do whatever it took to keep us together. If he had kept his promises that he made months ago I might have believed him.

We don’t talk much anymore and it’s strange to not be in constant communication with him all day. I’m not used to my schedule being so relatively open but I finally have time to clean my room and paint landscapes. I’ve decided to stop finding blame. If I had better communication with him maybe we could’ve worked things out, but then again he shouldn’t have been treating me poorly in the first place. The bottom line was that I was unhappy and postponed my own well being for far too long. I still have my ups and downs but the lows aren’t quite so crushing anymore. I’ll simply feel a sinking pain in my chest that subsides after a moment or two. Even with everything that’s happened I don’t regret being with him. I grew from an unpleasant experience but at least I grew. I’m not thinking about relationships right now. I just want to be a college student that finds extreme happiness in simplicity once again.

If you’re reading this please remember that you’re valued beyond belief and you deserve to be with someone that proves that to you each day. Love shouldn’t hurt.

-Jessie

Categories: relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

“Your current situation is not your final destination”

My life has been a whirlwind lately to say the least. I put too much on my plate thinking I could handle it all, but 3 jobs, my first year of college and a relationship were more than I initially bargained for.

I’ve worked at a cafe for well over a year, and have helped out a family by babysitting their two children during the week and sometimes weekends. The cafe paid me minimum wage, and it seemed like every time I came home at night with coffee in my hand, I was complaining about my shift more than anything. My dad informed me one day that a salon was in need of a new receptionist, and suggested I look into it. I got an interview, and was soon making phone calls and sweeping up the snipped off locks of hair on the floor. So there- more money.

In order to graduate college within 4 years, I had to sign up for multiple classes, adding up to 18 credits just from my spring semester. I worked hard. Harder than I ever did in high school. I stayed up late to write papers and woke up early to review for a math quiz. I’d scramble to finish lab reports in my hour between classes and never skipped in the entire year. Finals came and grades were posted, I achieved a 4.0 GPA. So there- good grades.

I met a boy around February. We went to the same school and one day he asked me if I would meet him at a Starbucks. I loved the way he wore hats backwards and how he’d ask me if he were annoying me when he rambled on about technology and alternative rock bands. He held my hand when we drove around in his car and he was always the first person to say ‘Good morning’ to me. I always said I could never date a smoker, but when he smoked it didn’t bother me. After going on dinner dates in the city and watching movies in my basement we decided to make it official. So there- my first boyfriend.

People saw me as a hard-working young adult. I managed to do it all! Yep. I dragged myself between jobs for a little bit of money and made it through essay after essay with the motivation of anxiety attacks. Everyone liked the pictures I posted of my boyfriend and I, saying how we were so cute together and they were all so happy for me. Well I’m glad they had their happiness because I’ve been losing mine.

They saw my relationship status change months ago, but no one was around to witness the 2 incidences where we almost went back to being single. No one stepped in to break up the fights that led to our fall out, and no one noticed the bright blue color of my eyes fade to a dull grey. Maybe I’m just good at makeup.

I’ve been dealing with chronic infections for the past 2 months, and I never realized until now how good health truly is a gift. I’ve been praying to get better, and the other night I meditated with spirit candles and healing crystals. I felt a force sway my stable body from side to side, and I watched myself pass through the universe.

Things have been hard, but I’m determined to see the best of my journey. It’s all a learning process, and I have to believe that this will all help me grow. I’ll keep smiling and making others smile in return.

Much love,

Jessie

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Look, Ma! I’m published!

*Slams hands on computer screen* OH MY GOSH, WORLD. GUESS WHAT.

I was the receiver of wonderful news yesterday and have not quite calmed down. Let me take you back. *psychedelic ripple*

It was a morning like any other, but to an unsuspecting girl that always smiles, it would turn out to be a fateful day. I quite literally threw myself out of bed, shimmied into some skinny jeans, and moseyed out of my house with a thermos of coffee in hand. The sky was clear, and for once I was not in danger of being run over in the college parking lot. I entered my school and was greeted by my wonderful companions. We followed the yellow carpet road to a magical place called Einstein’s Bagels located in our art building, and got a hearty breakfast for the low low price of $3. Sitting down, facing one another on chairs with arm rests (score) I decided to check my email. That’s when it happened. The twist of fate. The turning point. The Universe’s grin. The wrinkle in time. The peanut butter to the jelly. IT. A message from my school’s literary magazine, revealing that I, Jessie, would. Be. PUBLISHED.

My freaking poems are going to be published in a literary magazine to be released later this month. I think I squealed for a solid three minutes. Then I called my mom XD I’m just really ecstatic about this because I’ve been writing since I was 6 years old, but have really only started sharing my work as of this summer. It was the good news I’ve been hoping for ^_^

To add to my wonderful day, I went to a little pottery studio in my town and painted a mug! I decorated it to look like a birch tree forest. When it’s all done with the kiln I think I’ll post a photo of it! I have this new idea that someday when I finally have my own apartment, all of my coffee mugs will be ones that I painted myself. I’m also putting deeper consideration into becoming a high school art teacher. But who knows!!

I hope you all have as wonderful of a day as I did! And if not, hang in there! It’s on the way!!

Much love to you all,

-thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles (But I guess the secret’s finally out that my name is Jessie XD )

Categories: poetry | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 5 Comments

wow college life

My goodness, World. Has it been a long Monday or what?

I don’t have much to say right now due to the fact that I feel slightly disoriented and would be astounded if what I’m typing is actually a coherent stream of thoughts that a fellow internet dweller could easily comprehend. Also it’s verging on 10 pm where I reside and I still haven’t done my environmental biology homework yet.

So this “college” thing, this is what it is, yes? Ok.

If you’re reading this, I hope you get through whatever turbulence that may be disrupting your soaring, sleep well, maybe have some weird dreams, and wake up with someone in your life to describe said weird dreams to. If you feel as though no one wants to hear about your unusual unconscious escapades, dude tell me. I’m endlessly interested in what goes on inside people’s minds.

Well, I need a refill on jasmine tea and my dog is in need of assistance. I am off, into the night. Well, my living room.

Good night!! ^_^ *virtual hug sent!*
-thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles

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Leave Me Alone High School

Hi World! 

I recently graduated high school, and was just fine with the change in my life. Some peers of mine expressed their graduation as a monumental event in their life. Saying things like, “I’m not ready to leave, this is HIGH SCHOOL. THIS IS A BIG DEAL.” Um, not really. It’s just high school.

I realized that of course things would be different, and I would miss certain aspects of it. Cool teachers, funny classmates, the ability to see friends constantly, and of course, test retakes. 

At the same time, there would be an endless list of things I wouldn’t miss. For example, the bell system. Being forced to go to an institution for a set amount of hours each day, having the same set of classes time after time and not being able to leave until the electronic buzz told me I could do so. I had to ask permission to go to the bathroom, ok? Free country? I think not. (jk america ur cool)

I’d say I’m experiencing a healthy range of emotions leaving high school, the classic “bittersweet” feeling. I’m not over the moon to leave (well, sometimes) and I’m certainly not being dragged out of the building crying hysterically by my parents. No no, I’m progressing just fine. 

Lately however, I’ve been having nightmares about high school. Being unable to escape my stalkers of the past 4 years (just don’t ask), kissing weird underclassmen and feeling lame because I never took advantage of a senior skip day. 

Strange, right? I think so too. I’m not sure what these dreams mean but I’ve had them three nights in a row. Perhaps subconsciously I have weird emotional ties to high school as well? Or maybe I’m afraid of college being the same experience. 

Nevertheless, my grandpa used to say that if you have a bad dream and tell someone about it, it won’t come true. Thanks Gramps.

Until next time world, smile on. 

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , | 1 Comment

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