Posts Tagged With: fall

There are leftovers and they are everywhere

Happy late Thanksgiving to anyone who celebrates! I hope you all ate until you fell into a coma. 

My family always hosts this holiday, it’s tradition. We had a full house yesterday cramming 35 people into my basement. I got to meet my baby cousin for the first time and a huge family secret was revealed. (Dun dun DUNNNNNN) Turns out I’m German on my dad’s side. For some reason my grandma kept our heritage a secret for decades.. I don’t know what for but I guess I’m German now!

It’s been a long time since I’ve struggled with eating and I think that since I’ve made the change towards going vegetarian my relationship with food has changed a lot. Last night I loaded up a plate and ate in front of my entire family (which used to be hard for me) and I sincerely enjoyed all of it. 



It just feels really good to honor my health and body. Eating is such a basic component of life, you do it if you want to live. It seems like such a simple concept but some endure battles each day to perform this task. I’m lucky to not only be in a healthy state of mind but also to be able to access food whenever needed. It’s hard to grasp that some people actually go without meals because they simple can’t obtain food. 

Things to be thankful for: food, juice machines, GPS systems, highlighters, facial moisturizers, sweaters, large pockets. 

I love you all and extra enjoy your next snack.

Categories: holidays | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

I’m never taking this off

Have you ever bought a piece of clothing that was so beautiful it made you actually afraid to wear it incase something were to happen to it? Yeah me too. 



Look at this. Look at this SWEATER. You don’t understand how soft it is, I am the softest thing ever created when I wear it. I am a bunny. A blanket. A blanket of bunnies. I am sleeping under a pile of baby bunnies and they are cute and tiny and they love me.  

The reason why I have this baby bunny sweater is because I have a photo shoot today! We’re going to a town near me that has a bookstore/café fusion heaven and I’m so excited. We’ll also go outside to get some outdoor fall shots and hopefully it’ll stop raining by that time. 

I hope you’re enjoying your weekend so far!

Categories: college, life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles has changed her relationship status

A year ago I wanted a boyfriend. It’s not something I talked about excessively or wore myself out trying to find. I would mention to my friends or sisters every now and then about a person I had met and how I wondered why they hadn’t texted me back in two days. It wasn’t something I wanted to be superficial about. I’d met countless girls who would refer to their significant other as “my boyfriend” more often than actually stating his name in a sentence. It wouldn’t be a trophy won or experience gained, it was simply something that made me wonder if my life could be shaped differently by having one.

I imagined meeting someone in a coffee shop. He would approach me of course because I would be far too shy to talk to him first. Perhaps we’d have a conversation about a band sticker he noticed on my laptop, and just before he left he’d jot down his number on a scrap of paper so we could talk more about local bands. I would text my best friend in all caps immediately, “YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED” and she would get excited for me and ask me what he looked like and how tall he was and whether he seemed intelligent or not.

I wanted someone to hold my hand and ask about each of my rings, where they came from and why I never took them off. I wanted someone to pay attention to the minuscule things about me- the way I purposefully wore mismatched earrings or how I always sat with my backpack in my lap because I felt more secure holding onto something. I wanted to take someone to art museums and not have to feel rushed, we would actually bask in each artwork and point out tiny details together.

Well one day I actually did meet someone in a coffee shop and he actually did approach me first. We didn’t listen to the same bands but we still texted each other later. He held my hand but was always adjusting because my rings were uncomfortable between his fingers. We went to an art museum together but he was never interested in any of the renaissance paintings. I liked him a lot and he liked me a lot. That was enough for us until it wasn’t.

He didn’t like it when I didn’t text him back quickly and he really didn’t like it when I had to cancel our plans. I found myself apologizing constantly because we were fighting constantly. He always wanted more of my time -more of me- and I began to schedule my weeks around him. Well I’ll get out of school around this time, and I’ll be seeing him a couple hours after that. Wait, I have a test in a couple days. How long will we see each other for? I’ll need time to study but there’s no way I can change our plans now, he’ll flip out. I guess I’ll just have to study before he gets here. And stay up later when he brings me back home. My friends missed me and would ask me to hang out but 9 times out of 10 my reply would be “Sorry, I totally would but he and I already have plans. We’ll find time though.” Except I didn’t find time for them.

We sat so close to each other in restaurant booths but my thoughts were always so far away. My throat felt tight and air was so thin. I stopped doing the things that used to make me happy and I isolated myself from the people who loved me because they didn’t like who I was dating and told me to find someone else. I couldn’t. I wasn’t allowed to. The minute I ended it he would fall apart because I was the thing keeping him together. He needed me around for my sunshine when he had a lamp that worked perfectly fine, he just preferred that I be his light. I felt like a hypocrite for teaching him about optimism when it became impossible for me to remain positive. I was no longer resilient and things that were bad, felt bad. I lost my armor.

Perhaps it was the advice from my therapist, or my mother’s sleepless nights, or my friends’ genuine concern, or the prayers I said to angels, or maybe I had just finally had enough. Whatever the reason was it helped me decide to end it. It was brutal, excruciating, and torturous. I cried for days and forgot to eat which caused me to lose 6 pounds in under a week. He blamed me mercilessly, then turned the tables and insisted that it was all his fault but he was sorry and promised to do whatever it took to keep us together. If he had kept his promises that he made months ago I might have believed him.

We don’t talk much anymore and it’s strange to not be in constant communication with him all day. I’m not used to my schedule being so relatively open but I finally have time to clean my room and paint landscapes. I’ve decided to stop finding blame. If I had better communication with him maybe we could’ve worked things out, but then again he shouldn’t have been treating me poorly in the first place. The bottom line was that I was unhappy and postponed my own well being for far too long. I still have my ups and downs but the lows aren’t quite so crushing anymore. I’ll simply feel a sinking pain in my chest that subsides after a moment or two. Even with everything that’s happened I don’t regret being with him. I grew from an unpleasant experience but at least I grew. I’m not thinking about relationships right now. I just want to be a college student that finds extreme happiness in simplicity once again.

If you’re reading this please remember that you’re valued beyond belief and you deserve to be with someone that proves that to you each day. Love shouldn’t hurt.

-Jessie

Categories: relationships | Tags: , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Whoa. Did you see that pigeon?

hEY WORLD.

Once again, this post is brought to you from my college’s computer lab. (he he) I finished taking an environmental biology test about an hour ago. I came here to get some work done until my next class.

Which brings me to my point of today’s writing: How I pass time in between classes. Fellow college students, take notes. Or don’t, I mean, I don’t always take notes. It depends on my mood. Anyway. I give you….

A LIST OF THINGS THAT I DO WHEN I HAVE NOTHING TO DO

1. Go to the computer lab. I could do something productive, or I could go on WordPress.com. It’s really a win-win situation.

2. Scavenge for coffee. If I haven’t expressed this yet, I am a coffee nut. And there’s no going back. There are two different cafes in my school located in different buildings, so I simply activate my internal GPS to get me to one of them.

3. Sit on a couch somewhere and dig my cellular device out of the endless pit that some people would argue is a “bag”. The next step is to simply connect my headphones to my ears and open the Tumblr app. That’s right, I have other blogs.

4. Stare out a window and notice all the things.

5. Find someone I share even the slightest acquaintance with, and say hi. That’s it. Just say hi and run for the Everglades.

There are other things on this list of course, such as staring at cute boys and willing them to talk to me. It worked like, once.

This has been grand, readers. I always enjoy the fact that someone, somewhere may be reading about my day.

Keep on keepin’ on

-thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

What’s good, World?

This month, I will become a college student (Oh my God what) and I’m not exactly ready (Oh my God no). I still haven’t even figured out how to order textbooks. Nearly all my friends are going away for school, and they couldn’t be more excited. And why wouldn’t they be? They get to finally leave this town, have a whole new scene, meet dozens of new people, and deck out their dorm room. I however, am staying at home for the first two years of college. I don’t exactly get the same excitement as they do, but I still can have all the stress of school. I have Christmas lights and pictures all over my bedroom already, if I study here will that make me cool too? Sigh.

I guess I have something they don’t have, though. Mid-west weather can be crazy. I will testify to that in any court of law. But unlike all my muttering neighbors, I actually enjoy the cold weather. There’s just something about the change of seasons. When the air becomes cold but you still feel the warmth of the sun. Being immune to surrounding temperatures with a hearth and mug of (insert favorite heated beverage here). You’ll never convince me that there’s any better attire than sweaters, jeans, scarves, beanies and boots. (Which of course I find the greatest steals on all my thrifting escapades). There are very few things that I will consider to be more beautiful than walking outside at night as snow falls, being illuminated by nothing but the lights strung on every tree.

So there you have it, my fellow peers. Sure you can get excited about your parties and tiny rooms, but while you’re dreading the weather I’ll be dancing in it.

Categories: Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | Leave a comment

Blog at WordPress.com.