Posts Tagged With: love

To the Girl who is His Next

Over the years I’ve seen a ton of posts on Facebook or Tumblr that are letters written by one person addressed to their ex’s current significant other. In light of recent events I thought I would try it.

To the girl who is his next-

You do not know me, and I may not know of you for quite some time. If he is the same person he was months ago then I would imagine his habits are unchanged and he has a list of spiteful stories about me. I don’t care for what he says about me nor do I care if you believe them. That’s not the purpose behind my intentions. You can ignore this letter if you wish. Tear it in two, burn it, laugh about it with your friends, present it to him as you slide into his car. It doesn’t bother me. 

He’s charming, isn’t he? The depth in his eyes and the way he searched for my touch melted me from the start and I’d imagine he works the same magic on you. He made me feel noticed. I was an apple on a tree. Crowded among hundreds and hidden beneath boughs and boughs of leaves. He climbed the branches and reached for me. Me! I was the one who caught his eye when I didn’t think a trace of sunlight could find me.

I won’t tell you that he’s a terrible person because that’s not the case. I’m not here to list the number of fights we had or tally who caused them. Yes I am the one who ended things but it wasn’t because of anything he did. In the simplest explanation, I felt unhappy and unfulfilled. The feeling that I didn’t belong with him crept into me over the course of months and it was something I couldn’t wash away. I tried to let him know how I felt but it’s clear that my efforts weren’t enough. I thought I was doing the kind thing by waiting to have that conversation with him. I knew that if I confessed to him my doubts he would suffer from that moment until it was over. I was trying to save his happiness and sanity. He probably doesn’t understand that I never meant to be malicious or keep him in the dark, and I really did try everything I could to keep us together. I’m sure he’s probably very suspicious and distrusting of your true feelings for him and I bet if you’re anything like me you put a lot of work into reassuring him. I guess that’s my fault he’s paranoid although I can’t hold responsibility for his current actions. I didn’t bring a single burden of my past to our present even though it would’ve been so easy to do.

He needs a lot of love. Do your best to be patient and understanding, never take too long to text him back and make sure your plans together are your top priority. It’ll save you so much unnecessary trouble later on. I met his nearly his entire family except for his mother. Don’t be afraid to meet her, he always told me she wouldn’t judge me to my face. He’ll never get tired of holding your hand and he loves when you unexpectedly tell him something sweet. But he hates surprises so don’t expect him to wait long before opening presents or letters. He drives fast but he knows what he’s doing and won’t purposefully put you in danger. Don’t fret over wearing makeup around him, he’ll still tell you you’re beautiful and chances are he won’t even detect a difference. His eyes are bigger than his stomach so it’ll very helpful to just share meals with him at restaurants. He boxed for years and loved it but it left him with awful back pain. Rub his back near his shoulders when it gets really bad. Take plenty of photos and text him old ones when he’s having a bad day. It makes him feel better every time. Hold his face in your hand and let him fall asleep on you.

Above all, be honest with him. Even though he might get upset initially, after a while he’ll come to his senses and begin to do whatever it takes to fix a problem. Meet him halfway and appreciate all that he does. He’ll give you everything he’s capable of if you let him. He’ll remember every moment with you and cherish even the horrible ones. I wish you both well. I hope you get to know each other better than he and I allowed us to. I hope he is happy, and I hope you are happy being with him. I hope you love each other and I hope fate doesn’t ask to tear you apart. I hope he is what you have waited for and more.

Sincerely,

His last

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“Your current situation is not your final destination”

My life has been a whirlwind lately to say the least. I put too much on my plate thinking I could handle it all, but 3 jobs, my first year of college and a relationship were more than I initially bargained for.

I’ve worked at a cafe for well over a year, and have helped out a family by babysitting their two children during the week and sometimes weekends. The cafe paid me minimum wage, and it seemed like every time I came home at night with coffee in my hand, I was complaining about my shift more than anything. My dad informed me one day that a salon was in need of a new receptionist, and suggested I look into it. I got an interview, and was soon making phone calls and sweeping up the snipped off locks of hair on the floor. So there- more money.

In order to graduate college within 4 years, I had to sign up for multiple classes, adding up to 18 credits just from my spring semester. I worked hard. Harder than I ever did in high school. I stayed up late to write papers and woke up early to review for a math quiz. I’d scramble to finish lab reports in my hour between classes and never skipped in the entire year. Finals came and grades were posted, I achieved a 4.0 GPA. So there- good grades.

I met a boy around February. We went to the same school and one day he asked me if I would meet him at a Starbucks. I loved the way he wore hats backwards and how he’d ask me if he were annoying me when he rambled on about technology and alternative rock bands. He held my hand when we drove around in his car and he was always the first person to say ‘Good morning’ to me. I always said I could never date a smoker, but when he smoked it didn’t bother me. After going on dinner dates in the city and watching movies in my basement we decided to make it official. So there- my first boyfriend.

People saw me as a hard-working young adult. I managed to do it all! Yep. I dragged myself between jobs for a little bit of money and made it through essay after essay with the motivation of anxiety attacks. Everyone liked the pictures I posted of my boyfriend and I, saying how we were so cute together and they were all so happy for me. Well I’m glad they had their happiness because I’ve been losing mine.

They saw my relationship status change months ago, but no one was around to witness the 2 incidences where we almost went back to being single. No one stepped in to break up the fights that led to our fall out, and no one noticed the bright blue color of my eyes fade to a dull grey. Maybe I’m just good at makeup.

I’ve been dealing with chronic infections for the past 2 months, and I never realized until now how good health truly is a gift. I’ve been praying to get better, and the other night I meditated with spirit candles and healing crystals. I felt a force sway my stable body from side to side, and I watched myself pass through the universe.

Things have been hard, but I’m determined to see the best of my journey. It’s all a learning process, and I have to believe that this will all help me grow. I’ll keep smiling and making others smile in return.

Much love,

Jessie

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Previously in My Life

Hey World! Alright, I know I said I would keep in touch more and I let you all down again. I am sorry.

However, something monumental has happened. To give you guys a wider insight to my life, it wasn’t always so happy go lucky. I had some bad experiences growing up, being bullied by my terrible, terrible friends and such. Because I had so much pent up sadness and no outlet for any of it, I began turning to the unfortunate measure of self-injuring to deal with my problems. This went on for some time, until I decided I wanted to get better. I told my mom about my habits and was soon sitting in the office of a therapist.

I chose to recover because I wanted to feel happy again. I felt I lost my childlike innocence years before, rather it was taken right out of my hands. I couldn’t remember what sunlight felt like, and getting out of bed each morning terrified me. I wanted to stop feeling so lost all the time, and that’s why I reached out for help.

Some parts of recovery were easy, happy days made me forget about the bad ones, and how could I possibly want to hurt myself when I was finally laughing again? Sometimes getting better was effortless. And then some parts of recovery were excruciating. So many nights I’d stay up worrying or crying until 4 AM, knowing it would be so easy to just slip back under the riptide. I can safely share with you all that I’m 4 years free of self-injury. Picking myself back up has been amazing.

I want you all to know that no matter what you’re going through, you’re gonna be ok. I promise you, you will be ok. Right now someone is thinking of you, and somebody loves you more than you’ll ever comprehend. There are so many sunny days ahead of you that will make any bad experience worth enduring. You’ll get stronger everyday and overcome anything you’re being faced with.

I love you all,

Jessie- the girl who still smiles

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When will I stop procrastinating? The world may never know.

Hello World! How are you this delightful Sunday morning? (rain is falling / steal some covers / share some skin) Did you catch that early 2000’s Maroon 5 reference? Of course you did because you’re musically hip and not uncultured. You go.

Oh my gosh I just missed 11:11. I had literally looked at my phone, it was 11:10, I texted someone, and I missed it. How did I take over an entire minute just to text? I didn’t even say much! Wow I must be a slow texter. Guess I have to wait another 12 hours to make a wish.

Commercial break over. Aaaaaaaaaaaand we’re back!

I’m in an unexpected great mood today. Maybe it’s just because I got more sleep than I normally do. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stress lately because I just have big assignment after big assignment in school lately, and being at work takes away any free time to mentally charge myself. So just picture an American girl dragging herself to her car with a low batter sign blinking above her head. That is me.

I do however have some great news. Yesterday one of my mom’s friends shared a post on facebook about a new litter of puppies that were rescued from a shelter and brought to a pet store near us. My family and I went there together to “just look” and “consider” getting a new one. Ha. Real funny, Mom you knew exactly what you were doing. Sooooo we’re officially getting a new dog! He’s a 9 week old Beagle-Shetland Sheepdog mutt and is ADORABLE. We named him Oliver and will call him Oli for short. I’m so excited for him, we don’t get to bring him home until Tuesday though. But when he comes here I’m going to take him on walks and let him sleep in my bed and teach him how to roll over and hope that he doesn’t try to eat my hamster.

Things are also going well with my boyfriend! Last night was interesting, we were just hanging out and were about to leave to go to his friend’s house when I started to not feel well and just became really unresponsive. I wasn’t sure what I felt like doing and was preoccupied with worrying over feeling worse once we got to his friend’s house. So then I started crying and he was like NO DON’T CRY IT’S OK and I didn’t want him to look at me with my makeup running and my hair sticking to my black river tears so I just got out of the car and staring walking around. I didn’t even know where I was going but not even 2 seconds later he ran after me and hugged me.

Who does that? I can honestly say I’ve never had anyone go out of their way to make sure I’m ok as much as he does. He’s so wonderful, God I’m so lucky to have him. I hope everyone reading this someday finds someone who makes them feel as special and loved as he does for me.

I’m going to be here for a while longer spending some quality time with my laptop. I have a super fun research essay to continue working on. Super SUPER FUN. I AM HAVING SO MUCH FUN. 

Well alright, I should probably actually go now before I accidentally break the internet. But it was lovely talking to you, let’s catch up again sometime soon. Love you all.

-Jessie

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Are you sure this is a crystal ball? Looks kind of like a snowglobe to me…

*Boils vat of hot chocolate* *Blasts Mariah Carey* *Prints double spaced, MLA format of Christmas List* *Brings gingerbread cookies to life* *Knits two sweaters with one hand* *Builds army of snowmen* *Pins back hair with gift bows* *Aggressively places Christmas cards in mailbox* *Retreats to igloo* Oh yes I am so ready for Christmas.

Happy Holidays, World! Are you having the most wonderful time yet? I’ve been excited since, like, December 26th 2013 lol.

My semester is winding down, just a few more weeks and then I can dedicate my time to last minute Christmas shopping and binging on Netflix. I need to get enough sleep and get through these last assignments. *Laughs to conceal sobbing*

On another note, my mom received a psychic reading yesterday! We’re a big fan of those in my family I guess you could say. She shared that we’re all in good fortune, and that my mom’s photography business should take off! Which is awesome because she’s been working hard on this and I give her a lot of credit for starting a new hobby later in life. Not saying that my mom is old, she just didn’t go to school for this or anything, she, ok never mind.

The psychic read Tarot cards for each member of my family. My cards revealed that *drum roll please* I’ll fall in love soon. GASP. WHAT? ME? FALLING? INTO LOVE? Will that hurt? If you couldn’t already tell, that news was a bit surprising to me. Basically every event in my life has discouraged me from the idea of love. Alright, maybe that’s not fair to say. I’ve received plenty of love in various aspects of my life, most noticeably in my friendships. The romance well of my life has just always been dry. And I think I broke my bucket. To give you a summary, I wanted desperately to be in a relationship until this past summer. When things went down the drain with yet another interest of mine, I kind of gave up on the whole idea. I began to find it easier to just not develop feelings for anyone, therefor not getting my hopes up and feelings crushed.

I figure I’ll just continue living as I am, a busy college girl trying to find time to paint and rolling out of bed at 2am to write another poem. And sharing it all with my wonderful readers of course 😉 Hopefully at some point love will find me and I’ll restrain myself from punching it in the face out of self-defense.

Shine on, you lovely people.

-thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles

Categories: holidays, love | Tags: , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Functionally Rusty

Good morning, world!! Happy Sunday!

I mentioned a while back that I was considering sharing some of my poems here. Yesterday morning when I woke up, I immediately grabbed my journal off my bookshelf, and wrote this in bed. Hope you enjoy!

If you wanted to, I’d let you slide your hand up my sweater. So your fingers could fill up the empty space between my ribs, maybe it could keep the air from escaping my nervous lungs.

You’re so perfect, you’re just like glass. Would it be ok if I let my breath fog up your chest so I could draw a heart on you? You never say it, but I think your real one has been broken for quite some time now, so use this doodle until you’re better and healed.

Maybe we’re both tinman people, and usually we’re good at fixing ourselves. I hope you know that if you were ever stuck and alone, my squeaky legs would carry me to wherever you were, so I could share my oil with you. I’ll always be there in a time of need, to touch the places you can’t reach.

Thanks for reading!! Feel free to leave a comment, I love feedback!
Shine on,
-thatgirlwhoalwayssmiles

Categories: poetry, writing | Tags: , , , | Leave a comment

Jealousy as of lately

Hey World,

I’m just going to apologize in advance for this pathetic post. I know you can normally find me under the happy-go-lucky category of blogs about the silly things in life, but today I needed to talk about something where no one else can see. That’s right, no one in my real life knows about this blog. You guys are like my secret friends *virtually hugs all of you, squishing your faces* Alright, let’s start from the beginning.

I’ve had a best friend for 7 years now, and the term best friend doesn’t even come close to justifying this relationship. I love this girl more than life. I can completely be myself around her (which isn’t someone I let everyone see), I’ve had more happy memories with this single person in less than half my lifetime than I’ve had with everyone else I know combined, she’s my other half, she’s molded me into the person I am in multiple ways, I’m so lucky to know her. It makes me sad to think that maybe not everyone has a bond like this. Neither one of us have ever had a boyfriend, until just recently.

I’m happy for her, I honestly am. This guy is cute, smart, nice, and they’re both really into each other. This is an exciting new chapter in her life. This really is awesome. But unfortunately I’m a jealous person (something I don’t like people seeing) and as hard as I’m fighting it, I can’t help but feel a little left out. When I think about it, it stems from more than one place.

1. She’s stunningly beautiful, funny and unique, so naturally she gets all the attention from boys while I’m notorious for having a non existent love life.

2. In high school, she was always mean to boys. I’ve always been nice to boys and it’s gotten me no where.

3. I already feel like I’m missing out on experiences that everyone else my age is having. I don’t go to some big university where I can stop by my new friend’s dorm room at 3am if I want to, I go to a community college and my parents still hold a curfew over me.

4. Lately I’m always a tricycle. So many of my friends are in relationships and I can’t hang out with a friend without feeling like I’m stealing time away from them being with their significant other. More than that, when a friend does ask me to hang out I wonder if he/she got in a fight with their boyfriend/girlfriend and that’s why they suddenly want to see me.

I get jealous, I’m sensitive and while I deny it, I do overreact to a lot of things. I’m trying my hardest to be a good best friend. I just needed to tell someone about it.

Thank  you to all the troopers who read this

-thatgirlwhoalwayssmilesexcetforrightnow

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